Part Four, The Benefits of Healing from Relational Trauma

How to let go of the alarm system from past relational trauma, to receive love in a healthy relationship.


Intro to the show. (0:01)

Love is a gift that has no strings. (0:57)

How to open yourself up to new ways of life? (2:46)

How to let go of the alarm system. (4:27)

Mindfulness and self compassion. (6:13)

How do you define mindfulness? (7:39)

Transcript

Hello, welcome to trauma unpacked, my name is Ingrid Andrus. And with me I'm Ana Sorenson. And we are actually trying to bring awareness to the obstacles of unresolved relational trauma in our lives. And to look at it because we want to see the benefits of healing from that relational trauma that we sometimes knowingly or unknowingly keep hidden. 

Our goal is to have a conversation about several topics around relational trauma to share with you how it has helped move us through our process of healing, in hopes that it will help you as a listener to grow through your process of healing.

All right, so we're now diving into another benefit for bringing awareness of unresolved relational trauma in our life. And that benefit is our awareness that we have choices to live other ways than what we thought was the only way we could live. How has that impacted you? 

I remember very specifically a time when it actually clicked in my head, that what I've been thinking all up until that point was all I knew. And there truly was another way to think about this, that I didn't even realize, think about relationships, a relationship, that there was a way that included a kind of love that I had never seen or tasted myself, maybe you could see it on movies, maybe you could see it other places, but to actually grasp what that looked like without having under the table kinds of communication that really, you know, you say one thing, but actually something else is done. And always thinking that that's always what's going on all the time, but then realizing that's not how everybody function. And in fact, what they say is what they're saying. And it has nothing to do with what they're expecting of you under the table. And so to actually identify and realize that that wasn't necessarily normal thinking, to have an agenda to always be up to think that that's always what I had to be aware of, because that's when the abuse would happen. And it had to be aware ahead of time to somewhat prepare myself that that's what's coming down the pike and the pain that came with it.

That almost sounds like you're saying you learned that love was a gift that there were no strings attached?
Exactly. Yeah. And then amazing. I mean, just to think and conceptualize, there's a whole nother way to look at this.

It reminds me years ago, when one of the therapists I was seeing asked me to imagine what I wanted a relationship to look like. And I remember thinking, it's a blank screen. She wanted me to think of it like a movie, but I'm in it. And, and I remember specifically there being a shift where I could imagine I did have an image or visual imagery in my mind of how I wanted the relationship to look. So I had been sort of blocking that for so long. So yes, I totally relate to how you're experiencing life in a new way. And
I did think so many of us don't think that there's another way, right? Because if that's how our culture is the society that we're living in the family that we've grown up in, if that's how it's been all of our life, how do we get out of that, and think that there could be so many other ways life can happen, or that love can happen? Exactly. So methods of opening yourself up and trusting that you can hear other ways without being threatened. Sometimes new ways scare us, sometimes they become threatening, because we already don't have quite a firm grip on ourselves and have some areas that are extremely painful and scary inside. So to have change or have newness or openness , it can be scary. 

It's more of just an exploration of curiosity, a desire to just kind of want to know what life has in other directions, instead of thinking that you're a bad person to go explore new ways or that you're a bad person for taking care of yourself, right? I almost think of because you're so used to the patterns of how you grew up and how you look at my being open to learning about a new way to do something, or a new way to think about how a relationship works, something that I do, where I can't tell if what I'm thinking is dysfunctional or not. And I'm trying to get at how we create a different framework with learning about relationship skills and learning about how to trust and allow ourselves to be loved again, so that when we get aware of those triggers and feelings that come up, that we have something to bounce that off of and realize what's healthy and not healthy with our new established boundaries.

Our relational trauma has put an alarm system within us that was very much needed at the time when that trauma was happening. As we grow, that doesn't change, it seems to still go off. And yet it's not applicable to the situation. Rather than sorting through the pain of why that alarm system is even there. We tend to just live with it and think that if we go outside of it, we're going to be in more danger. And that's the lie that we keep believing is if we release that alarm system, we're going to get into more danger and more pain, when actually the opposite could be completely true that we actually will be set free from this alarm system that we don't have to live with and take with us everywhere we go and experience different cultures and not be threatened by it. 

Because we don't need that alarm system anymore. Instead of releasing that alarm system, being set free, no longer needing to have to have our Life Fitness square box to feel safe, that we're safe. Because we can bring the person that we now trust and ourselves with us wherever we go, and can explore and wander and enjoy life in new ways and new thoughts that brings so much more fulfillment to our life, rather than thinking that it's going to bring more pain to our life. And we're here to share that with you. So that you have hope, did not continually put boards around you and limit your life, do your alarm system and greed.

Thank you for sharing that. I definitely think freedom comes from trusting that you can let go of that alarm system. And it's an unfamiliar feeling to have that freedom and yet feel comfortable. And then it becomes more familiar and comfortable as you practice that.

Yes, one thing we haven't talked about is how to let go of that alarm system
I've taken. So coursework, mindfulness, and would encourage anybody to be able to go out there and find mindfulness material that includes compassion towards oneself, it's just not mindfulness in the science of the mind, it has actually needs to include self compassion.

What do you mean by mindfulness, I just wonder if we should define what you mean by it. Because so many, it's kind of a buzzword right now.
When I think of mindfulness and self compassion, I think of the ability to take time to view yourself in a curious third person view that doesn't bring condemnation or judgment, but allows us to view ourselves in a way that curiously looks at what's going on in our lives with patterns, possibly exploring, logging, journaling, through the day going, you know, today, I felt this high anxiety and you write it down, maybe you don't know what it was really about. Maybe you just remember, there was a really anxious point in your day, that and of itself, if you can start to recognize that something happened like that, or maybe you got really angry at something, or maybe you got really afraid of something, you know, whatever it was that stood out, rather than looking at it as a negative, it's more of going, you know, that was very strong in me today, my a lot of my energy went in that direction. I wonder what was going on, or just leave it at that just log it? 

That's how I would define mindfulness. For me being comfortable with being uncomfortable, being comfortable with giving awareness giving attention to my feelings throughout the day, not just ignoring them, but allowing space in my mind to think about, oh, how did that feel? What did my body feel like when I was feeling that way? And having compassion or just kind awareness, not necessarily an agenda that I have to solve it, like you said, but that I'm okay with feeling it? Being aware of it, right? And perhaps I'll figure out why in the future. But even allowing myself it's to feel is a new pattern from my past that I had been blocking. And so for me, the mindfulness is just being aware of how does my body feel? Is it in pain? Where is it in pain, and just giving it gentle awareness? gentle, kind, attention. And really,
even as you're saying this, it sounds to me like you're having a relationship that's aligned with yourself?

Correct? Yeah. For me, that was a big shift. Rather than ignoring my signals from my body or my mind or things like that, in that free isn't it is It was uncomfortable at first, but it's definitely a lot of freedom in that and a lot of confidence to be more aware of how I feel, and now knowing why I feel certain things. Yeah, it is definitely the opposite of what I thought initially would happen. Where you don't think you're going to find freedom, but you're going to find turmoil. 

Yeah. So there you go. We know that some of this information can be very hard to hear sensitive raw feelings. Want you to love yourself, if there were any of those kinds of emotions drawn up when listening. We're in this together.
Thank you for listening today. We hope this encourages you and your journey of healing and that you feel loved and cared for. Cheers